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it is 11:59 and 59 seconds.this happened in america today. for months, voters acrossthis great land of ours, and also michigan,have been tasked with... the incredible responsibilityof choosing our next president. and, boy,have they been blowing it. -(laughter)-but... a field that startedwith 21 presidential candidates and one precocious schoolboywho snuck in to the debates... (laughter)

...wearing his big brother'sjacket-- adorable-- has been narrowed down to five. tonight we welcome two of themto our stage for a very special extendedhour-long presidential debate here on @midnight. (cheering, applause) thank you. (whooping, shouting) now, we're hosting themnot only because...

they are polarpolitical opposites, but they both seem to have a ring of authenticityto their supporters that bucks the traditionalpolitical system. they're both very activeon social media, one as a socialist,the other as a sociopath. -(laughter)-and... they're here to desperatelypander for your votes on the first ever @midnight presidential debate...

-("hail to the chief" playing)-thank you. yes, of course. (cheering) ladies and gentlemen, pleasewelcome our first candidate, donald j. trump! -♪ ♪-(cheering, applause) mr. trump. -thank you very much.-thank you. -wonderful.-thank you for being here. thank you for being here.

please take your positionin front of the lectern. (cheering and booing) trump: get 'em out of here!get 'em out of here! -get 'em out of here!-mr. trump, we... we're not going to ejectanyone from the audience just for booing you. -um...-waterboard them, then. -we're not gonna waterboardanyone. -kill their families. -kill their families.-that's your solution

for everything, sir, that'syour solution for everything. and also...your opponent tonight, senator bernie sanders! -♪ ♪-(shouting, cheering, applause) -♪ ♪ -thank you.-(loud cheering continues) people (chanting):bernie! bernie! bernie! -(chanting continues)-thank you. (chanting stops) hardwick:all right. excellent.

gentlemen, welcome. thank youvery much for being here, giving us your time hereon @midnight. you had a lot of choicesand you came here, -and we appreciate it.-(phlegmy coughing) are you all right,senator sanders? (exhaling through nose) (exhaling sharply) (sputters) i don't think this guy'sgonna make it to the election.

i mean, are you kidding me?unbelievable. all right, don,save it for the issues. hardwick: all right,uh, it is now time to start with our candidates in place the first ever @midnight presidential debate. here we go. welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick, and i'mwearing a very expensive tie. our guests tonight are the starsof trump vs. bernie, the debate,

premiering april 27at 9:00 p.m. on fusion. but make no mistake, this isdefinitely trump and sanders. -uh...-(laughter, whooping, shouting) -thank you. -thank you.-probably. -thank you. -before we begin,i'd like to remind the crowd to please be respectful--don't shout anything out, like, "lick me, granddaddy," or, "eat (bleep), youracist orange (bleep) stain." -(laughter) -these arepresidential candidates,

they're not (bleep) boysfor your amusement, and i would like youto please keep that in mind. this is very seriousand very important, perhaps the most important thingyou'll see on any television network. -now we're gonna offer them each-(phlegmy cough) 30 secondsfor opening statements. senator sanders,we'll begin with you. thank you, chris.

my brothers and sisters, we are winning hearts, we are winning minds, and from time to timewe are winning states. (whooping, applause) idaho... utah... arizona, i thank you. uh, two and a half of those,i thank.

we are very pleasedthat as of today, it's just been announcedwe won the endorsement of a very important group, the soy and tofu packers union. i thank themfor their endorsement. we've got sometremendous supporters. i am backed and endorsedby one half of crosby, stills, nash & young, which is also two-thirdsof crosby, stills & nash.

and look, we are winningamongst some key demographics, and i think it's importantto keep in mind. amongst voterswho shop at whole foods and yet feel guiltyabout shopping at whole foods, we are winning 92% of the vote. hardwick:all right. amongst... votersfrom households where the primary modeof transportation is a bicycle, we are winning 88% of the vote.

hardwick: all right,thank you, senator sanders. -i'm sorry, senator sanders...-and if i might, chris, -well, i know, but... -withvoters under the age of 21, -we are winning 120%of the vote. -all right... we are winning,and we will continue to win because the top one percent...(speaking gibberish) all right, thank you,senator sanders. -(cheering, applause)-trump: excuse me. excuse me. i would... i would like to...i would like to remind everyone

to try to stick to time. uh, senator sanders wentabout an hour and a half beyond the 30 seconds, uh... you'll have to forgive me-- i haven't been on tvthis much all year. -unbelievable. -all right.uh, mr. trump, mr. trump. well, thank you very much, chip. -let me tell you...-okay. -(laughter)-this country... this country,

we're losing, we're losing. we don't win anymore.we don't win anymore. and we're gonna start winning.i'll tell you first, i had the same policyon women as i do the chinese, which is that 'ginais our enemy. and i'll tell you this, 'gina isour enemy, i'll tell you that. we started out with 17 peopleon the island, and scott walker,uncanny valley android face, got knocked up.

and i have received a rose in every single ceremonysince then. we got to go through it.unbelievable. i mean, iowa, i'm gonna testhydrogen bombs in iowa, -(laughter)-i can tell you that. i came in second,i dug a hole in iowa... i dug a hole in iowaon the way out, and i sexually assaultedthe state, i can tell you that. but here's the point,very important...

i mean, jeb bush,very low energy guy, very low energy guy. he was the terri schiavoof presidential candidates, i can tell you that. those eyes clickingback and forth. someone put a needlein his neck. -(laughter)-and... you know, and here's the thing,i love chris christie. great guy.i love chris christie.

but he is a big guy. i threw a paper clip at himduring one of the debates, and it went into orbit,and i promise you if i become presidentwe will name it a moon in our solar system,i guarantee you that. -uh, mr. trump... mr. trump...-and i will tell you this, carly fiorina will bethe new white house horse, i'll tell you that, -i'll tell you that. -all right,thank you, mr. trump.

all right, that's all the timewe have for intros. -uh...-i think there is some contrast between the candidatesyou see on stage. this might not bethe debate you get, but this is the debateyou deserve! -all right, thank you very much,senator sanders. -(cheering) all right, gentlemen, verythought-provoking discourses, but we have to takea quick break. we'll be right back,continuing our @midnight debate

with donald trumpand senator bernie sanders. when we return. welcome back to the @midnight presidential debates. i'm the host of everything,chris hardwick. ripped from today'sinternet headlines, it's rapidrefresh. we're gonna be talking abouta wide variety of issues today, uh, gentlemen,a lot of internet issues-- you seem to be familiarwith that.

let's begin.voters, you've heard... sanders: i do have a modem,yes, thank you... okay, good. i have a mexican guywho reads the internet to me. -wonderful guy.-thank you. wonderful guy.hello, paco. hardwick:voters... every crazy thing he saysjust makes him more popular. -it's unbelievable.-trump: i'm a demon.

i'm a demon.i'm a demon on earth. uh, now, you've heardthese two comments on a wide variety of politicaltopics on other news programs and on debates, but we'reabout to show you the internet, and we want to discussthese topics that affect internet americans. our first topic is:environmental activism. environmental activism.the state of the environment is a very real concernto everyday americans,

which is whymillions of web users were glued to their laptopsthis weeks following the storyof a crazy dude in a tree. here we go.this is a... bearded man who was in seattle, he climbed the majestic conifertuesday, refused to come down, throwing apples and pine conesat officials and generally... generally beingthe most seattle person ever. -(laughter, whooping)-um...

perhaps, uh,perhaps most disturbingly, the tree neveractually gave consent. -um... senator sanders,-(laughter) the tree man came downearlier this afternoon. but how do you respondto this growing trend -of tree dwellers? -sure.i thank you for that question. let me say this. and when i say that, what i meanis i'm gonna say something. as the only candidaterunning for president

who has himself livedin a tree... -(laughter) -i believe i havesome clarity on this issue, and i think what we seeis a vision of the future. i support tree dwellers, and i believeit's a fantastic way to solve the housing crisis,by having people climb up trees rather than cut them down. -(cheering, applause)-thank you, senator sanders. uh, mr. trump...

mr. trump, i'll throwthe question to you. how do you respond? i will tell you, i've hada number of my friends murdered by trees--sonny bono, terrible. edward kennedy, okay? the guy from whateverthat taken movie is, liam neeson, his wife. -all murdered by trees.-(jeering) terrible, terrible.trees are terrible.

and i promise you this,if i become president, we will get rid of every tree. we're gonna turn... we willturn every forest into glass, -i guarantee you that.-all right. we got to use these nukes.we haven't used them in years. all right, uh, points for...points for mr. trump, also points to senator sanders. next topic:the judicial branch. with the debate ragingover filling

the upcomingsupreme court vacancy, sarah palin is getting her ownjudge judy style courtroom show. this is not a sketch.this is a real thing happening in your real world. now, some critics havepointed out that sarah palin doesn't even have a law degree,but on the other hand, not being qualifiedto do something has never stopped sarah palinfrom doing anything. -so... some legal experts-(laughter)

are concerned about she'sgonna pass sentence on others when she can't even getpast a sentence herself. take a listen. we believe... wait, i thoughtfast-food joints? eh. don't you guys thinkthat they're, like, of the devil or something?that's what... liberals, you want to sendthose evil employees who would dare workat a fast-food joint

that you just don't believe in,thought you wanted to... i don't know, send themto purgatory or something. and it just goes on and on. since the frighteninglyunqualified sarah palin will now be judgingin a court of law, please suggest a casejudge palin might preside over. uh, senator sanders,let's start with you. okay, fair. look,i have a class action lawsuit, it is called sanders v. vlasic pickles.

i am suing them. i'm tiredof trying to take the lid off and having to run itunder hot water. and i think that big picklesshould be broken up into its constituent spears. -(laughter)-but i will add, i did not voteto confirm judge judy, and i will not voteto confirm judge sarah palin... all right. thank you.points. points, senator sanders. sarah is a beautiful woman.

very, very beautiful woman. wonderful female.great skin. incredible skin. i'll tell you this right...i wouldn't even be paying attention to this, okay? -i'm sorry, kyle. i willnot pay attention to it. -okay. i don't care.i don't care what she says. i'm just looking at herand thinking about me sliding somewhere,i'll tell you that.

and here's the most...i'll tell you, like a sloop,it's like the olympics. and i'll say this,i put the mute on, because she does,she makes no sense. it's gobbledygook.i'd have her... i will have her mouth sewn shutif i become president. -all right. thank you. i guess.-(cheering, applause) audience seems to support that. i will give you pointson behalf of the audience.

candidates,throughout the debate, we're gonna be asking youquestions submitted from people online. our first one coversthe important topic of religion. top of religion--always a topic people are comfortablespeaking reasonably about. -uh...-(laughter) twitter user@wayneaschneider asked: uh... trump,let's start with you.

i love the bible.i've read the whole book. i love the bible.great book. incredible book. i love corinthians.i love both of them. i think they're incredible. -(laughter)-i love their leather. i love their leather.and i'll say this, i really do, i love it.and i'll say, the book of jahb,incredible book. -hardwidk: oh, the book of job,yeah. -incredible book.

jobs is in the bible.jobs is in the bible. if our president wasn't readingthe quran, maybe he'd know that. -(laughter, gasps)-but here's the point, very important, very important. jesus, most boring partof the book, are you kidding me? he's a very boring guy. they should've chopped him upinto pieces. they should've chopped him up.why did they crucify him? -he came back like voltron.unbelievable. -(laughter)

unbelievable.i would be a way better jesus. way better jesus.way better jesus. all right, uh, i will, basedon the audiences' reaction, points to mr. trump on that. -senator sanders. -look,i'm not like jesus at all. there's nothing in common. uh, i'm far olderthan jesus ever was. i don't know, maybehe would have run for, you know, emperor of rome or somethingif he'd lived as long as i did.

but let me say this. i am not particularly religious, however i do havea holy spirit-like effect on vermontersand vermont-like people. wherever two or morebirkenstocks are gathered, i am in their midst! -(applause, whooping)-all right, points. points now to senator sanders. sorry to interrupt.

i hate to fudge the americanpeople in the buns like this, but we need to goto a quick commercial break to pay off this flag thatwe spent all of our budget on. we'll continueour @midnight debate between donald trump andbernie sanders when we return. thank you for joining us. welcome back to the @midnight presidential debate. i'm chris (bleep) hardwick. our next issue: agriculture.

very importantto the united states. candidates, both of youhave very strong roots in the world of farming.senator sanders, you've lived near farms both in vermontand before cities were invented. donald, uh, you've beenraising an animal on your scalp for severaldecades, which i believe... technically countsas the livestock industry. proving just how importantagriculture is to the american people,uh, this image

from ruthlessrellikwas at the top of reddit. it shows a chickencrossing a road right there. now, judging by the chicken'sblatant disregard for others, um, and also his coloring, i'm guessing a trump supporter. candidates, why didthis chicken cross the road? why did the chickencross the road? uh, let's startwith you, mr. trump. well, i want to say somethingvery important, okay, chuck?

and i want to tell you this,it's very important. very, very important. i've been to this intersection.this is right on the border. okay? and that's... i am tellingyou that's an immigrant chicken. i'm telling you right now. and there are manymexican chickens. i've been to mexico,i've seen the chickens. we've got to find outif this is a rapist chicken or a murderer chicken.and i promise you this...

i promise you this:we are going to build an incredible coop--an incredible coop-- along the southern border.i guarantee you that. i guarantee you that.i guarantee it. all right, points, points.senator sanders? look, chris, i think it'simportant to understand that i was made awareof this story and i immediately, uh, went downto have a listening tour and i sat downwith the chickens.

and i heard their concerns. and i talked to relatives,family members of this particular chicken,and it turns out he crossed the roadto draw attention to the crumbling infrastructure the chickens have to faceevery day of their lives. a middle-class chicken is not able to raisethe same number of eggs that they were 40 years ago.

their coops are in disrepair,and if i am president, i promise that i will spendbillions of dollars on chicken wire.they deserve better, just like human beings. -points for that.-unbelievable. unbelievable. we have another...uh, mr. trump, -you're saying unbelievable?is there... -unbelievable. just unbelievable.we should wipe 'em all out

-and use their eggsjust like women. -okay. all right. uh... we have another questionfrom the internet now. @renie_rivas asks"what would your position be within a human centipede?"um... let's start with you this time,senator sanders. that's a fair, question, chris.i believe that, for sure, i would not be in the topone percent of the human centipede,

with the bankers and the peoplewho are up there in charge of everything.i would be in the bottom 80%, along with everybody else,but i would fight to strengthen the middle classwithin the human centipede. all right.thank you, senator sanders. i'm not, uh...i'm not 100% sure that a person at the frontof a human centipede has any more power than anyone in the human centipede,but, uh...

well, look, i... no, i disagreewith those numbers. look, if you want to fact checkthat, chris, i can show you some numbers.i've read the documents. i r... i read for two weeksall the printouts and documents and reports i could findon human centipede. it's tragic, what theygo through. but i think... the disappearing middle class,the thorax of the centipede, needs to be enhancedso that these creatures -are able to have a healthyoverall... -excuse me.

-all right, yes.-excuse me. -mr. trump,your rebuttal. -excuse me. -points, senator sanders.-first off, i would do a human millipede,'cause it's way bigger-- more legs,far more luxurious. i'll tell you that.absolutely. a human millipede would beso much bigger, i'll say that. i... we... i only do millipedes,i'll tell you. but my position in a humancentipede would be in the corner

jerking off watching thosepeople. i don't do that. -all right.-i don't do that. poi-points for your honesty. i do not jerk off, and i... this is a veryimportant distinction between me and mr. trump.i do not jerk off. i-i don't need to.i do things... you know, with no hands.hands-free, that's the way i handle it.

i have ejaculated three timesduring this debate. -and if i might...-yes, senator sanders. if i might--i have not ejaculated since jesse jackson won the 1988 georgia primary, and i savedthat ejaculate in jars for future use. thank you, senator sanders. i'm... envisioningall of that now.

i'm envisioning,uh, pumpkin spice latte -coming out of you, and...-that's right. ...and clouds of evaporated milkshooting into the ether. and i'll tell you, that pumpkinspice latte's a double shot. i can tell you that.it's definitely a double shot. thank you very much, mr. trump for activating my gag reflex. it's actually rice milk. gentlemen, we have to pausethis illuminating discussion

to shove our (bleep) mindsback into our skulls. we'll continue our debate with senator bernie sanders anddonald trump when we come back. i'm less-wealthy ryan seacrest.if you're just joining us, we're forcing senator berniesanders and donald trump to compete for pointson a fake internet game show. let's continue. next up, tech innovations.tech innovations. a very key part of our economy,of course, is the tech sector.

there are some excitingnew innovations from one of the industry'sleaders, pornhub, of course. um, senator sanders,now, this is a web site the young people visit to see... oh, i understand, yeah, sure,it's a www, what do you want? i... well, nothing.i just... i wasn't sure if you were familiar with thepornhub, it's the... uh, l... to put it in context, ty-type ofnudity that you might recognize from, uh, oh, like those,uh, saucy playing cards

your buddy brought backfrom the war. yeah, sure, i understand it.a nickelodeon picture. -what do i need to know? -yeah,it's like a nickelodeon picture. uh, mr. trump, uh,you know pornhub as a place for many of yourfuture ex-wives. uh, we... -very low blow, low blow. verylow blow. -no, i... i'm not... -all right? i watch...-do you mean your category? i watch home movies of mydaughter, i can tell you that. all right. well...

-keep it in the family.-all right, they... they made waves this week, uh, by announcing plansto give away free vr goggles for their new channels,featuring virtual reality films. let's take a look at the film. whoa. whoa. whoa! it's vr porn, dad.with your very own headset. i-it's like you're really there. ♪ ♪

so, this brings upa very interesting question. uh, porn for the elderly-- what does it look like?senator sanders. what would you like to see ina blue movie for the aarp set? first of all, i want to pointout that is exactly why you wear boxers and briefs. all right. look, i think i would largelyleave pornographic policy to the states to decide.i will say this, however:

i believe that special interests have no placein our money shots. and i would moveto have corporations have their influence takenout of pornographic pictures. and also, chris,on a personal level, i wouldn't mind seeingsome virtual reality porn where they are ableto recreate betty boop, so i can once again fantasize about performing cunnilingus

on my favorite pinup model,betty boop. i just, um... just as a...just as a quick, little point-- uh, you know, betty boopis an animated character, -not a real human being.-oh, sure, no, i had a fun timewhen i was young. all right. good. uh, mr. trump, to you.what makes a good adult film? i personally enjoyjapanese crying films.

i like those girls crying...i like 'em crying. and i'll tell you--china is ahead of us on robot octopus tentacles.they are. they're ahead of us and we ship38% on robot tentacles going into women.china does it all. america does not cornerthe market, and i'll say this: if i become president, everyyoung woman in the united states will have a large octopustentacle inside them. i'll guarantee it.i promise you that.

i love seeing them cry because it reminds meof how they lost the war. all right, uh... i feel very badabout giving points for that, but the audienceseems to decree it. one more question. from americantwitter use @hgreen568 asks "why don't ghosts just fallthrough the earth?" senator sanders. there was a time in this country

where we took careof our ghosts. and the reason that ghostsdid not fall through the earth was because there wasa social welfare wa... there was a social welfaresafety net to keep them from falling, and that has erodedsince reagan was president. and i promise, as president, i will give the ghostsa fair shot, just like i will human beings.

because ghosts are justvery elderly people. excuse me. excuse me.excuse me. excuse me,i do want to say one thing. i want to say one thing.i promise you this: if i become president i amgonna make a lot more ghosts. i will make a lot more ghosts.i... we're gonna... -there's gonna be so manyghosts. -now, a lot of... a lot of people, uh, thereseems to be a growing trend-- a lot of people very upset,uh, most ghosts as depicted

in film and televisionalways tend to be white. uh... senator sanders, would youlike to comment on that? sure. look, i...i understand that i am what is known as a white male. and i'm on tumblr,so i know that's wrong. i have educated myself through a number of,uh, enlightening reblogs. and let me say this-- in my administration,i think the ghosts will be

diverse, just like my cabinet,like everybody around me. and the ghostsin a sanders administration will be multicolored likethe ghosts in a pac-man game. ah, thank you very much.points to senator sanders. -mr. trump.-unbelievable. we just have a littlebit of time left in, uh, in this part of the debate. uh, any commenton ghost diversity? i... first off, i'll saysomething very, very important

about ghosts, okay?they wear white sheets. they wear white sheets, we don'tknow what's underneath them. -all right. -we don'tknow what is underneath them. much like a great companythat supports me. an incredible energy companythat supports me called triple-k.incredible energy company. there's this british guy,he's a duke. his name is david. and hetells me about this new... this incredible,new alternate energy

called white power--unbelievable. and apparently...apparently white power has been running this countryfor 350 years. i had no idea. all right. um... i think i'm... i'm not... i wasn't tryingto get your attention, chris. i just always hear music and sometimesi like to play along. all right, excellent.

that brings us to the endof rapid refresh. no pointsfor mr. trump's answer. that brings us to the end of rapid refresh:presidential debate edition. we are going to decide,once and for all, who will end upin the white house by the end of this show.we're gonna be holding a special presidential#hashtagwar later on. we're gonna continueour @midnight debate

with donald trump and senatorbernie sanders when we return. our tweet of the day from last night's #hashtagwar was presented by burger king and from @mylittlegarrone. well done. the only presidential debatethat is relevant.. audience (chanting):bernie! bernie! bernie! ...to your interestsand will determine... please. uh, that will determineonce and for all who will end upin the white house.

let's jump right in with anotherquestion from the internet. @blazeaceofaces8 asks"who is the better kisser?" who is the betterkisser? senator sanders,let's start with you. well, look, it's hard for meto tell for sure, 'cause i can guaranteei'm never kissing donald trump. but i do... look, i make my wife very happy. we have nice romantic times upin lake champlain

where we go out on a boat andwe read each other statistics from the bureauof labor statistics. all right, thank you.uh, points to senator sanders. when i was 13 years old i went in to have my first kiss with a lovely, beautiful girl who i had purchased from dubai. my father bought her for me. and she shamed me

and my mouth has beenperpetually stuck in a kiss since then. i see. i see. senator sanders, uh... -what do you need?-follow-up question, uh... how do you feelabout muppet rights? look, chris,that's a fair question. i understandthat i look like i'm running for presidentof the muppet show.

but let me say this:i believe that we owe it to young muppets,fraggles, to make sure that they are ableto go to college for free. and i also believethat older muppets-- statler and waldorf--should be able to see a doctor to look at their muppet holeswhen they need it. hardwick:all right, thank you. -(cheers and applause)-points senator sanders. -excuse me. -mr. trump,you have a rebuttal?

excuse me. first off,i have worked with doozers my entire life. doozers are incredible builders. they used to work on fraggle, and they built incrediblebuildings for me. and it's...and the fraggles eat them. the fraggles eat them,let's not forget that. -that's true.-and i'll say this, i mean, these sesame street,unbelievable.

i mean, cookie monster, this guyis so addicted to cookies, i heard he sucks felt in thealley behind sesame street. i did. i heard it. interesting. i heard he sucks felt. i mean, that's hearsay. you don't know thatfor a fact. you're just... i don't know what...i don't know anything, but i say thingsand then hope people...

and then i hope... i hope people commit actsof violence as a result. -hardwick: points.-donald, i think that gay panicand shaming of sex workers has no place on sesame streetor on main street. -let me tell you...-(cheering) hold on, excuse me. -yes, yes, and another rebuttal.-excuse me. okay, kim, listen to me, i'mgoing to tell you right now.

-that's not even a man's name.-okay? i... i'll tell you this.i'll say this right now. i don't have a problemwith gay issues. bernie and i line up on this,okay? it doesn't mean we're gonna runa train on each other, but we do line up.and i'll say this. i support lesbianspicking up wood in vermont. -i think it's fine. whateveryou want to do is your... -oh. my state was mentioned.i believe i get a response.

mr. trump, i will have you know that lesbians picking up woodin vermont -is our number two industry.-wonderful. wonderful. hold on. excuse me. excuse me.i have no problem with that. i lovethe lesbian wood industry. china is sendingchinese lesbians to pick up wood for half the price.and china's... how many chinese lesbians arewe gonna have come over here and

pick up wood? i want americanlesbians to be picking up wood. -all right. -i want americanlesbians to pick up wood. i don't needthese chinese lesbians. america, the choice is clear.the choice is yours. you can elect the monopoly manwith a bag of money for a head or you can elect me,the boot from monopoly, and i will modify the game so that nobody goes to jail! you just keep passing goand collecting $200!

-get out of here. -okay. okay.thank you. -that is, uh... -i'm sorry.-forget about it. -thank you. it's now time for our livechallenge, attack of the ad. attack of the ad. now, candidates, let's pivotto an important part of the american politicaltradition. i'm talking, of course, attack ads.tearing your opponent down from everything from hand sizeto the way their hair looks like the pubes of an elderlyyeti, it's a very effective tool

for swaying voters and-andkind of takes everything away from the real issues so peopledon't have to think too hard. take, for example, this classic2010 ad by carly fiorina on her opponent, tom campbell. announcer:your current brilliant solution to california's budget mess? a wolf in sheep's clothing. a man who literally helped put the state of california on the path to bankruptcy and higher taxes.

very salacious indeed. it is craven, to be sure,but i do think that two vicious old grumpscould do even better. so, candidates,your challenge is to create an attack ad againstyour opponent. all right? we'll get your answers afterthe break. we'll be right back with more @midnight presidential debate 2016. (cheering and applause) welcome back to @midnight's presidential debate 2016.

before the break, i gave youa no-holds-barred challenge asking you to make politicalattack ads against one another. let's see what you came up with.mr. trump, we'll start with you. i'm donald trump. bernie sanders, this guy isonly three years older than me, but he looksabsolutely terrible. he looks like the templarat the end of last crusade, and america needsto choose wisely. bernie sandersshouldn't be president.

he's gonna be eating alonein a denny's for the rest of his life. do we really want a presidentwho seems like he always has old soup on his lip? it's gonna be like watching death of a salesman for the next four years. kids, listen up.he's not your grandpa. he's gonna slip and diein a bathtub, and then we'll be stuck withvice president whoopi goldberg.

and who wants that? i am the presidentthat america deserves. -all right.-there we go. senator sanders,let's see your ad. okay, look. uh,yeah, it's me, bernie sanders. they want me to do an attack ad.i don't want to do... i'm running a clean campaign. i don't got timefor that bull(bleep). so in the interestof radical transparency,

i am going to run an attack adagainst myself. bernie, you're a jerk. you're a real piece of doo. you stink. literally. you smell like old bananas, andnobody knows better than you. you look like ray bradbury. where do you get off, you bum? literally, where do you get off? you're asleep on the subway.

i'm bernie sanders,and i approve this message. but i do not approveof bernie sanders. we're done. very interesting approach. very negative. very negative. i'm gonna... i'm gonna give, uh, 1,000 points to mr. trumpfor not blinking during his entire ad.i'm gonna give 1,000 points to senator sandersfor ruthlessly attacking himself

for some reason. we now turnto the subject of war, specifically the hashtag war.now... tonight... we're wondering what it would belike if senator sanders' finger was on the button, especiallyone that does something other than alerthis flight attendant. uh, what would mr. trump doas head of state, besides negging angela merkel? well, gentlemen, now is youropportunity to go head-to-head,

mano a mano. tell the voterswhat the world would look like-- this is your final chanceto get their approval-- if you were sitting in the ovaloffice, with tonight's hashtag, #ifiwerepresident.#ifiwerepresident. uh, examples might be"our national parks would become national golf courses" or, um, "the white housewould get a chairlift." either one, either way. um, we're gonna go backand forth on this one.

let's start with you,senator sanders. okay. if i were president, "hail to the chief" would beplayed by the band phish, and it would take 25 minutesevery time i walk into a room. all right, points. if i were president,we would have the first lady-daughterof the united states. i'm disgusted. points.senator sanders. if i were president,

i would putthe rich wall street bankers in the same prisonthat magneto goes in, but they would not be let outfor any sequels. all right.points to senator sanders. if i become president, i am gonna hunt down rosieo'donnell like osama bin laden. points. i would institutea national netflix account with one password

so we are no longer burdeningour seniors for their netflix passwords. points to senator sanders. you're applauding that,but do you know what that... you'd end up watchingif everyone were -on the same account?-they don't even understand. they don't even understand.it would be bones all day long. that is the endof the hashtag wars. that means it's time for ourclosing statements, for the win.

very important part of the show. uh, definitely trump,absolutely sanders came here to determine who,once and for all, would be the next presidentof the united states. uh, we have a-a lustrous historyon this show of people winning debates and then goingon to take the white house. you both came onto this fake internet game show to show the american people thatyou do understand the internet. both of you are representativeof social media's ability

to give everyone a voice, regardless of how orangeor hunchbacked they might be. as such,your final challenge tonight, it only makes sense for youto show the internet that you know how to speaktheir language. i'm talking, of course,about emoji, uh, the primary meansof communication for both teen girls and peoplepretending to be teen girls in order to catch predators.

candidates, i would like youto deliver one last message to the american people tonight. we're gonna have our candidates'answers and name the leader of the free worldwhen we come back on @midnight presidential debate2016. welcome back to @midnight. it's now time for for the win. i'm gonna wipe your scoresclean, rendering all the gameplay up tothis point entirely meaningless,

begging the question why did wego through this entire exercise if it was all gonna come downto one question. gentlemen, at this time, we willnow accept your closing remarks. senator sanders,we'll start with you. look, i've got a messagefor the mainstream media and that isi'm running for president. you should put me on tvfrom time to time. look, we just did it.it wasn't so bad. and when you...when you do put me on tv,

don't just have the audiocut out, where you just see mepantomiming and chris matthewsis blabbering over me, telling you what i'm saying. i'm a loud guy! put it on tv! we don't need to hearwhat chris matthews is saying. we already know it. he's sayingsomething we've already heard about tip o'neill. i'm a loud (bleep) guy.put it on tv.

and i would also like to askfor money, if you got anything,any small change. anything under a dollar,i'll take it. if you got a gift card that'spartially used, we can use it. if you have parts of a bitcoin,we almost have one full bitcoin. i will take bus tokens if they are for currentlyfunctioning bus systems. -thank you very much.-thank you, senator sanders. mr. trump, mr. trump,your closing remarks.

first up,when i become president, within the first 100 days,i will be bored within ten. i can guarantee you that.i am gonna get a cabinet that makes dick cheneyand paul wolfowitz look like marlo thomasand friends in free to be... you and me. we are going to geta terrible group of people to run this country.and i promise you this, i'm the beast. i am the beast at the end of the bible,

and i will destroy this planet. -and i'll tell you this,we are gonna get... -man: boo! get him out of here!get him out of here! -get him out of here!-i will make sure all hecklers -are taken care of with healthcare. -you had your time. you had your time, bernie. -you had your time. excuse me.-okay. okay. okay. (blubbering) my big promise though, greg,is, i'll tell you this, we're gonna get ridof the kaiser,

we're gonna burn downthe reichstag, and i promise youwe will unify germany and make it the diamondof europe for the next 1,000 years. andi hope you'll pledge with me -as we do this. make a pledgewith me now. -oh, no. uh... -don't do that. -we're gonnamake america and the world -(booing) -great again.get 'em out of here! get 'em out of here!get 'em out of here! now i'll read your answersaloud,

and you, the audience,will decide the winner. again, i'm gonna read these soyou have no idea who wrote what. before the break,, i asked youto deliver a message to the american peopleusing emoji. uh... -emohis. i like them.-no, i... it's "emoji." -it's japanese in origin.-look, i've sat down -with the emohi community. iunderstand... -no, it's, uh... -you haven't. they're not real.they're... -chinese. -i got -a great empathy for the emohipeople. -they're essentially

pictograms. no. um, each of you told me privatelywhat these emoji mean, and i will interpret themfor the audience. let's see what you came up with.first one. first set of emoji. feel the bern, live the bern,speak the bern. uh... -all right.-(audience chanting "bernie!") could've been either one.no, sir.

could've been either one.could've been either one. -unbelievable. -next up--completely anonymous, next up-- completely anonymous-- you better ship yourselfto canada because my tiny orange hands arecoming to the white house, baby. there they are. you're all gonna die.you're all gonna die. what if that was mine?what if that was mine? number one was the winner!

senator bernie sanders,you have won the internet, as dictatedby the audience here today. -i'm an ambassador.-thank you! i am completely impartial. -thank you! -i benefitin no way. mr. trump walking into my camera shot. you arethe most powerful person for the next 23 and a half hours.thank you, senator sanders. we'll see you tomorrow night.our guests will be nicole byer, alison rich,and jessica mckenna.

until then,keep tweeting @midnight with your hashtag,#ifiwerepresident, to become tomorrow's tweetof the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweetsand the instagrams. thank you so much for joining us for our @midnight presidential debate 2016 with definitely trumpand actually bernie sanders. good nightand god (bleep) help us all.