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man: okay kids, whowants manning coleslaw? and/or an explanation of why that's... funny. sorry, guys, we're, um... closed, yeah. thanks for getting aside from me because we are closed. especially now that the door is locked. and you're not really supposedto be back here.
even if you have a, a... - i was gonna say a hairnet.- bob? - is everything...- everything's fine, we're... - closed, bob...- linda! take the kids in the back.kids, go in the back with your mom. not really want. *** goes linda, now would you pleasego in the goddamn back? well, excuse me, "ike turner". look, the hamburger wasn't a big seller,so there's not much.
- but um...- we don't want money. we want you. - i'm sorry?- we are not robbers. oh, my god. okay, yes,you can rob them, but... just please don't hurt my family. - we're not robbers.- oh. - well, then, what do you want?- you. - ***.- da. archer: wh-? no!
goon 1: ty sukin syn, isis shpion! even if you kill us,more will come, archer! archer: khorosho! ya ih toje zamochu togda! linda: bob! archer: oh my god, are you guys okay?! linda: we -- yeah, we're -- but... bob! where'd you learn how to do that?! archer: i -- i dunno,it was like, instinct.
linda: and were you speaking russian?! archer: was i? but i don't even know any -- russian! look, the label in his coat hasthose idiot russian letters! linda: why the hell arerussians trying to kill you?! archer: i don't know! he called me "archer," maybethey think i'm somebody else... linda: (gasps) somebody who gambles?! archer: when would i gamble, linda?!
the six hours a night i get to sleep?! because the other eighteen hours, i'mslaving over this hot-ass grill! linda: i didn't know it wassuch a burden... archer: wh-? of course it's a burden! don't get me wrong, i love you guys,but come on... i've been here two months, it feels like two... trillion eons. linda: well if that's the way you -- whatare you doing, you're not leaving?! archer: linda, you heard him! whoever they are, hesaid they'd keep coming!
you guys aren't safe if i'm around! linda: but bobby...archer: no buts. i'm not gonna let you guys get hurt. what i am gonna do, is find outwho this archer jerk is, and why russian people want him dead. i'm also probably gonna do a spa weekend. between work and being a stepdadto gene and louise and, um... anyway, i am just burned out. so take care, and i'll call after isolve this mystery, or whatever.
oh, and i forgot to tell you the healthinspector's coming at eight a.m., so you better break out the purple stuff. sync & corrections by honeybunnywww.addic7ed.com malory: i'm sorry, i'msure i misheard you... sterling has been missing for two months, we've spent godknows how many thousands of dollars and manhours searching for him,and this whole time he's just down at the shore flipping hamburgers? you know another kind of burger?
ostrich. shut up, they're good. - shut up!- yes, shut up! then explain to meif you know where sterling is. was. oh, according to our intel, he was tracked down by a kgb hit squad. - oh my god!- sorry. i should have started that with"archer is fine". the kgb hit squad...
oh my god! - not so much.- my god! - but, so, where is he now?- at a spa. according to his... um, wife. his what? linda. she said he's name was bob. he wandered in there in full morning dress2 months ago, they got married, married? the minute they met? - who does that?- ostriches.
son of a... he's obviously doing thisjust to get even with me. normally, i would agree, but aftertalking to the wife, i honestly think archer doesn't know he's archer. how could he not know who he is? psychogenic retrograde amnesia. also known as a fluke statement, sometimes triggered by extremeemotional or psychological stress.
- and we all know what caused that!- yes, his hatred of seeing me happy. now take me to that spa! and we'll just see howthis amnesia holds up against a sudden and quite possiblyviolent confrontation with his mother. ba-ba-ba-ba... bad idea! according to my clinical researchon drug induced amnesia... said the fake scientist... - hmm, and what are your parents' names?- what?
their names are... um, uh... damn it, krieger, did you drug me? you don't remember? wow, memory is such a fragile thing. and if archer's real identityis exposed to him too suddenly, his mind may reject it permanently. we have to ease him back into it, like a latex gimp suit.
and how do you suggest we do that? well, some people use baby powder. i'm a firm believer in corn starch. not the gimp suit! - sterling's amnesia!- oh. yes, i have a plant. plant? plan. i'm serious.
i want it on record that i thinkthis is a terrible plan. duly noted and disregarded. and i expect you to be totally convincing. as the damsel in distress? have you ever met a woman less damsel-y? pam. and it's not you i'm worried about. it's our pathetic villains. guys! fake mustache, yay or nay? - yay!- yeah, it works, right?
my face isn't a naturallyvillainous like yours, so... here's an idea, why don't you justsaw your goddamn head off? geez, what's up your butt? nothing is up my butt, cyril. oh, or maybe there is.i wouldn't know. because i'm paralyzed from waist downand it's archer's fault! so, getting some mileage on to that, huh? ugh, now damsel up and get over there. and remember, you have to pretendyou don't have a history together.
for the... sour mix? in a margarita? what is this? auschwitz? i always do. like a big brown giraffe. uh, or an ostrich. remind me why i let you idiots come. for the free rooms? cause the only thing you aremore than mean is cheap.
shut up. and just because you own this place... i think i just own the conglomerate that owns the holding companythat owns the hotel chain that owns it. don't even think about screwing upour plan to cure sterling's amnesia. five ingredients: tequila, cointreau, lime juice, ice, koja salt. oh, and sorry about the auschwitz crack.that's not like me. i've been under a lot of stress lately.
- i'm not jewish.- did i ask for your life story? excuse me, is this seat taken? yes. no. i mean, um, please, feel free... to... always... do... that. - hi, i'm bob.- lana kane. and thanks. i just need to rest a minute.i've been on the run, i mean, - on the go, and..- wait... - you're on the run too?- no, i...
forget i said that. it's dangerous, and you're married. - and...- what, this? no, this... this is fake, i just wear itto fend off the cougars. like her. she's totally checking me out. - eww.- ew. right? so why are you on the run? bob, have you ever heard of isis?
from the shazam/isis hour tv show? - no, the...- remember shazam? wait, who's the actor thatplayed billy batson? remember, he'd go... - shazaaaaam!- arch... bob! - what?- isis! is the international secretintelligence service and i'm one of, oh, frankly, i'm their best agent. and kgb agents are trying to kill me.
huh. me too! wait, i wonder if it's relatedto your thing. wait, why are you at the same spa as me? i, uh... not even the best agent of this pool. seriously, how are we both at... i think i see a kgb agent! kiss me! lana: okay, he's gone. archer: glad i could help...lana: i could use more help.
but i have to warn you,it could be dangerous. archer: for you, lana, i willtake the highway right into the danger zo - oh my god! lana: what?! archer: michael gray! was billy batson. on shazam. malory: krieger, i'm really having secondthoughts about your so-called plan. krieger: give it time!
this isn't "the flintstones",we can't just whang him in the head with a frying pan! gillette: how bout a bullet? cyril: burn. malory: oh give it a rest, ironsides. lana: and please! focus! archer: sorry, i'm trying, it's just...tec-9's are awesome! [ brrrrrrrrrrrrrt! ] wait, how'd i know theseare called tec-9's?
lana: uh, well --krieger: remember, ease him into it! like a --malory: enough! with the gimp suits! lana: will you shut up?! krieger: sorry. archer: sorry, it's just i don't knowwhat's happening, this is all crazy. i'm a fry-cook, but iknow all about guns? russian spies who think my nameis archer are trying to kill me? i speak russian?
oh, and plus i'm a totalbadass at hand-to-hand combat? lana: pff. archer: no, seriously, i'mlike chuck norris-esque. lana: okay, hit me. archer: what? right here, take your best shot. archer: i'm not gonna hit you. lana: why, is your vagina bothering you? archer: okay.
i see what you're doing. but i warned you. hiiiiii --archer: ya. i think you literally broke my heart. krieger: aww...lana: shut up. archer: sorry. so yeah, wow, maybe i'm not asgood as i thought... lana: duh. okay, the first thing we needto do is search the entire spa for -- archer: an ice machine, totally, yes.
lana: kgb agents. specifically these two. archer: did you say gay-gb? krieger: aww...cyril: think it's the mustache? gillette: it's not helping. cyril: well neither are you, so --gillette: to reiterate! i am paralyzed! cyril: well?! join a support group!
malory: for who, crippledgay hillbilly spies? gillette: [huge, weary sigh] malory: there's a niche. alright you two, you're on. so try, against all odds,not to cock it up. pam: speaking of, you see thebulge on that towel boy? man, if i was you i'd be atthis spa twenty-five-eight. cheryl/carol: yeah, but then i wouldn'tget to hang out with everybody at work. pam: you hate everybody at work.
cheryl/carol: i know. it's the only thing that getsme out of bed every morning. pam: the hatred. cheryl/carol: yes, pam. the hatred. [ contented sigh ] archer: man, this spy stuff is awesome,and i bet i'd be totally awesome at it, so is isis hiring, or...? lana: no.
archer: what, is it weirdbecause we kissed? lana: that was weird, and also not a realkiss, and also never happening again. archer: oh, i get it. you're not into guys. lana: o.k. so -- just because i don'twanna bang you, automatically i'm a lesbian? archer: yes, well, thatand your hulk hands. lana: i do not, have -- archer:she-hulk, then, whatever, they're -- lana: arch -- bob!
archer: what, jennifer walters. alter-ego of she-hulk, what. lana: kgb agents, twelve o'clock. archer: wh-? cyril: dunt move amussels, amerikyetskis! archer: and, wait, howare they a superpower? cyril: oh no, kepitalistspy get drup on us! lana: okay, kgb agents, i wantyou to reach into your jackets very slowly and --kgb agent: drup your weapons!
lana: oh, shit. kgb agent: and prepareto die, sterling archer! archer: jesus, mary and joseph stalin! for the last time, assholes,my name is -- shazaaaaaaaaaam! archer: how do you notremember that show? archer: so, uh, what's the plan here? lana: i don't have a plan! because those guys are the real kgb! archer: what, as opposedto the fake kgb?!
lana: actually yes, and also -- lana: fake bullets! archer: what?! why do we have fake bullets?! lana: yeah, krieger! why do we?! krieger: no no no, you don't know my--archer: why do you know the kgb guy's name?! lana: ugh, because --krieger: bup bup bup bup bup!
gimp suit! archer: unless... oh my god, you're kgb! lana: oh for -- if i'm kgb whyis the kgb shooting at me?! archer: internal power struggle? lana: dammit! ray! lana: ray, we are code zulu! malory: code zulu? she knows better than that. code zulu is only for real emergencies.
lana: raaaaay! gillette: yeah, she'slaying it on pretty thick. malory: well, you're in charge here. i'm off to get a seaweed wrap. gillette: didn't know theymade sushi with dried clams. malory: what was that?! lana: the real kg --gillette: what was that? i can't hear you over thesound of mlah blah blah. lana: ray?!
ray! what the hell is that sound? archer: hamilton beach 727 drinkmaster. and speaking of drinks...lana: these aren't to drink, dumbass! i'm gonna make molotov cocktails! archer: not with irish cream you're not. lana: will you -- bob! oh my god. archer: yeah, it's pretty thick.
lana: krieger! we need suppressing fire! krieger: wh-? we're shooting blanks, duh! lana: they don't know that! duh! cyril: burn... inappropriate,suppressing fiiiiiire! lana: great! just buy us some time, so--so, i have a question...
why did you rip off my shirt...archer: to make the fuses, duh. lana: when there's a huge stack ofbar towels right freaking there! archer: oh. duh. lana: and, follow-up, why did youalso rip off my bikini top?! archer: for the slingshot. lana: wh-?! archer: see, we put the bottle inthe, whatever, the boob cups, and -- lana: just throw the damn thing! archer: oh my god, double-duh!
right? huh? kgb agent: zahodi s boku! lana: dammit, they're gonna flank us! so you wanna throw that today, or...? archer: no, now i feel bad forsetting your bikini on fire. here, hold this. lana: wh-? i don't wanna hold the damn --archer: yeah, i think that works-- whoa, i am getting somemajor dã©jã vu here...
lana: it's not dã©jã vu, you idiot! archer: well however you pronounce it! lana: rrrgh! kgb agent: koktyiel molotova! archer: whoooo! did you see that?! lana: yes! here, keep throwing them! another one!
wait, wait a minute...malory: what in the... is that smoke? pam: duh. malory: wh-? are you out of your mind?! pam: damn near. this shit is el crã³nico. gracias, julio, you are the man. cheryl/carol: and you are also fired. pam: what?!julio: que?!
cheryl/carol: i'm sorry, butall of my companies have a zero-tolerance drug policy. pam: you hypocrite cooze, i justwatched you eat a whole bag of lsd gummi bears! cheryl/carol: right? and i am tripping bear balls! i'm kidding, julio, you're not fired. in fact, i'm making you the new gm. pam: aww...julio: general manager?!
of the spa?! cheryl/carol: no, dipshit,of the entire hotel chain. julio: multinationalhotels incorporated?! cheryl/carol: oh. i guess i don't own this place. malory: damn it! i have to pay for these rooms. cheryl/carol: well?! lana: well what?!
archer: why do i feel like -- no, whydo i know that we've done this before! lana: i, uh, we haven't, um--archer: yes we have, lana! throwing bottle bombs, your titsflopping around... lana: flopping?! okay, first of all --archer: oh my god, what's happening?! it feels like my brain is exploding! lana: krieger, what's happening?! krieger: his mind-brain is permanentlyrejecting his real identity! cyril: mind-brain? krieger: that's a thing, shut up.
uh, lana?! archer: linda! lana: linda? archer: you're my wife!linda! and i am bob! i am bob and i make burgers! kgb agent: on liubit burgery...kgb agent 2: eto yego problema. archer: burger bob, bobbob burger burger... kgb agent: dosvidaniya, archer...
lana: bob, honey, i need you to get down! archer: yes, down tothe store for cheese! for the ã‰mile gorgonzola burger! lana: okay, i have had it. archer: well, not with j'accuse-cumbers! kgb agent: ogon'! archer: oww! what the shit, lana?! lana: archer?
wait, are you... you? archer: yes, i'm me! you dumb idiot! krieger: there goes thefrying pan theory. archer: who did you think i was?! lana: you, unfortunately...archer: unfortunately?! what's unfortunate is you gotme into a firefight with the kgb armed with a frickin cap gun! lana: because unfortunately,we were trying to cure your --
archer: psychogenic retrograde amnesia! lana: wait, so youremember you had amnesia? krieger: such a fragile mystery...lana: krieger, one more word and i'll make you wish they never scrapedyou out of hitler's drawers. krieger: aww...cyril: ew. archer: ew. that is a lot creamier than i remembered. lana: but, you do remember why youran away from home this time? archer: i'm a grown man, lana,i didn't run away from home!
i... carjacked a limo. from a wedding. oh my god, it's allcoming back to me now... what part of this are you not getting?! chauffeur: core concept? archer: drive, shitheel! malory: wh-?! where is the limo going?!
cheryl/carol: i guesswherever mr. archer said to. malory: son of a bitch! pam: your words. malory: ruined! absolutely ruined, because of you! archer: i said i was sorry, mother! malory: happiest day of my life...archer: wait, wasn't that the day i was born? oww!
what's in there? spa buckles? malory: you think that compares to a dreamwedding to ron cadillac, the biggest cadillac dealer in new york?! ron: technically thewhole tri-state area! everybody: [ cheers ] ron: hiya, gang! malory: oh, ron! thank you for coming so quickly!
pam: phrasing, first, boom! ron: well, in a cadillac you don'thave to sacrifice speed for luxury. that baby'll pass anything on the road...except a gas station! everybody: [genuine laughter] ron: and how's my lady love? malory: infinitely better now. ron: i bet, now that you found sterling! she was just worried sick about you. malory: well, not sick...ron: how the heck are ya, son?
archer: fine, awful, whatever, great...malory: but mostly mortified that he ruined our wedding! ron: well... all's well that ends well. lana: yeah, i don'tthink it does, though. archer: no shit. lana: no, i mean, the kgb foundyou at a burger joint when you didn't even know who you were,then they found you here? how did they do that? archer: i -- wait, yeah,how'd they do that?
barry: barry, are we losing our minds? barry: could be, other barry, could be...because even though i can see archer's everyfrickin move, apparently it's impossible to kill thatidiot from frickin space! so where are we on the frickinspaceship to get me home?! and i'm lookin' your way, dr. simon. scientist: uh, well...barry: lemme stop ya right there, in case you were aboutto say there's been a setback. because that's what dr. benesand dr. hathaway kept saying.
remember those guys? they were workin' with youguys on my new spaceship? i murdered them? archer: eh, probably just a coincidence. lana: really. you're going with coincidence. archer: yes, lana, i'mgoing with coincidence! ostrich: do you think that's wise? cheryl/carol: [ screaming ]
archer: what the hell is your problem?!
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